{"id":2863,"date":"2021-11-10T14:24:46","date_gmt":"2021-11-10T21:24:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bandanabow.com\/?p=2863"},"modified":"2021-11-11T08:14:00","modified_gmt":"2021-11-11T15:14:00","slug":"the-power-of-a-song-everything-is-not-okay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bandanabow.com\/index.php\/2021\/11\/10\/the-power-of-a-song-everything-is-not-okay\/","title":{"rendered":"The Power of a Song: \u201cEverything\u201d is Not Okay"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Isn’t She Lovely<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You know how a song can take you right back to a place or memory in such a tangible way that your emotions stir up everything you felt then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t She Lovely?\u201d by Stevie Wonder does that for me. Even now, more than two years later, I can feel the tears pushing at the outer edges of my eyes begging to meet my cheeks like they did that day. Now, I don\u2019t let them. I\u2019m at a coffee shop, not in my car by myself on the long drive to Denver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was headed to a meeting then. A meeting where no one knew what was going on, what I felt inside \u2026 what I had inside. I was pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sweet, precious, lovely baby nestled in my womb. But, for how long? At the time, I didn\u2019t know. In the weeks before that drive, I\u2019d been told that my baby would not live. That if he or she made it to delivery, getting two hours together was the best-case scenario.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sobbed as the lyrics played:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can’t believe what God has done
Through us, He’s given life to one
But isn’t she lovely made from love? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the darling giggles of Stevie Wonder\u2019s daughter play during what sounds like bath time. That is how it\u2019s supposed to be. Those were the sounds I should have been looking forward to \u2026 bath-time giggles, not cries before saying goodbye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI did have a mother choose to carry her baby to birth so she could hear him cry; that was important for her,\u201d one of the doctors had said. \u201cShe got two hours.\u201d That\u2019s what I get to look forward to? Getting to hear my baby cry for a couple hours before leaving this earth?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remembered the doctor’s words, listened to the song, sobbed more and then began stifling the cries, the pain, the suffering. I had a meeting; I had to be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Landslide<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLandslide\u201d by Fleetwood Mac is another song that triggers emotion for me. It\u2019s not associated with a specific memory; it\u2019s just one of very few songs, like Coldplay\u2019s \u201cFix You,\u201d that somehow captures the depth of sorrow, love, loss and true pain in a way that makes it feel like the music\u2019s composition encompasses you in the most understanding hug. It\u2019s dependably deep, painful and beautiful, and it will simply be with you as you cry.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, \u201cLandslide\u201d carries me through a different painful reality that swells my eyes with other tears. Tears of tragic, sudden, inexplicable, inconsolable loss. The loss from when \u201ceverything\u201d happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s what I call it \u2026 \u201ceverything.\u201d I always say before \u201ceverything\u201d happened \u2026 Or, and then \u201ceverything\u201d happened. Maybe because losing Zac changed everything and maybe because I don\u2019t want to say the words, \u201closing Zac.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I listen and cry. I want to float on my back down a slow-moving river with \u201cLandslide\u201d and then \u201cFix You\u201d playing in the atmosphere, so I can cry, and each tear will meld with the water around me as tears hold me afloat and each strum of the guitar caresses my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here, still, I will not offer you resolution. I feel that we are often too quick to push for resolution. We think someone should show progress, should be improving, should be doing okay with enough time. Can we not instead simply let someone sit in sackcloth and ashes and just cry?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can we let them feel the depth of abandonment and loss that Jesus felt in that moment on the cross? Can you let me feel abandoned, distraught, broken, deserted?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus cried out on the cross: \u201cMy God, my God, why have You forsaken me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other versions say: \u201cwhy have you abandoned me?\u201d; \u201cwhy have you left me?\u201d; \u201cwhy have you deserted me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy God, My God, why have You deserted Me?\u201d Merriam Webster defines desert as: \u201cto quit one’s post, allegiance, or service without leave or justification.\u201d Leaving without justification; I can tell you that my family has been left without justification for why \u201ceverything\u201d happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the Oxford dictionary, justification is \u201cthe action of showing something to be right or reasonable.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that moment on the cross, Jesus felt<\/em>. He felt that God had abandoned Him. Reality or not, truly abandoned or not, He experienced the human emotion and feeling of being deserted by God, abandoned by Him without justification, left without anything to show that what\u2019s happened or is happening is right or reasonable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, in Jesus\u2019 case, He did know the why; He had the justification; He knew why He was on that cross, and He had agreed to go to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, even Jesus, knowing the WHY of what He was suffering still experienced a human moment feeling abandoned by God. If Jesus can feel that, and He knows the why, then we can definitely feel that pain and abandonment not knowing the why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t have resolution for you. If anything, I have more songs that connect to pain. I could tell you about \u201cSunshine on My Shoulders\u201d by John Denver that we played over and over as my grandma lay unresponsive on the hospital bed after a severe stroke, and days later we played at her memorial service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, \u201cCloser Than You Know,\u201d by Hillsong UNITED, a song that I\u2019d never heard until \u201ceverything\u201d happened and now struggle to listen to because it was a song Zac listened to a lot. We found it in a playlist on his phone of the top 25 songs he listened to most. Songs about Christ’s love and goodness. Beautiful, beautiful songs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unconditional<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Or, I could tell you about \u201cUnconditionally\u201d by Katy Perry and how my brother would sing out that song at the top of his lungs with such passion and genuineness because that is what he deeply desired for himself and for everyone around him \u2013 to be loved unconditionally. He could sing these lyrics or say these words to a stranger suffering in sin and MEAN it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are worthy<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I won\u2019t end this blog with a positive spin or promise that \u201ceverything\u201d will be okay; because \u201ceverything\u201d will not be okay. Rather, for now, I want to simply sit in the tears. And if you need to cry, too, then may I reach from afar and hold you, sit with you, quietly be with you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Isn’t She Lovely You know how a song can take you right back to a place or memory in such a tangible way that your emotions stir up everything you felt then? \u201cIsn\u2019t She Lovely?\u201d by Stevie Wonder does that for me. Even now, more than two years later, I can feel the tears pushing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2870,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":true,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"\n

You know how a song can take you right back to a place or memory in such a tangible way that your emotions stir up everything you felt then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isn't She Lovely<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t She Lovely?\u201d by Stevie Wonder does that for me. Even now, more than two years later, I can feel the tears pushing at the outer edges of my eyes begging to meet my cheeks like they did that day. Now, I don\u2019t let them. I\u2019m at a coffee shop, not in my car by myself on the long drive to Denver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was headed to a meeting then. A meeting where no one knew what was going on, what I felt inside \u2026 what I had inside. I was pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sweet, precious, lovely baby nestled in my womb. But, for how long? At the time, I didn\u2019t know. In the weeks before that drive, I\u2019d been told that my baby would not live. That if he or she made it to delivery, getting two hours together was the best-case scenario.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sobbed as the lyrics played:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can't believe what God has done<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Through us, He's given life to one<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But isn't she lovely made from love?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the darling giggles of Stevie Wonder\u2019s daughter play during what sounds like bath time. This is how it\u2019s supposed to be. Those are the sounds I should be looking forward to \u2026 bath-time giggles, not cries before saying goodbye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI did have a mother choose to carry her baby to birth so she could hear him cry; that was important for her,\u201d one of the doctors had said. \u201cShe got two hours.\u201d That\u2019s what I get to look forward to? Getting to hear my baby cry for a couple hours before leaving this earth?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remembered her words, listened to the song, sobbed more and then began stifling the cries, the pain, the suffering. I had a meeting; I had to be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Landslide<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLandslide\u201d is another song that triggers emotion for me. It\u2019s not associated with a specific memory; it\u2019s just one of very few songs, like Coldplay\u2019s \u201cFix You,\u201d that somehow captures the depth of sorrow, love, loss and true pain in a way that makes it feel like the music\u2019s composition encompasses you in the most understanding hug possible. It\u2019s dependably deep, painful and beautiful, and it will simply be with you as you cry.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, \u201cLandslide\u201d carries me through a different painful reality that swells my eyes with other tears. Tears of tragic, sudden, inexplicable, inconsolable loss. The loss from when \u201ceverything\u201d happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s what I call it \u2026 \u201ceverything.\u201d I always say before \u201ceverything\u201d happened \u2026 Or, and then \u201ceverything\u201d happened. Maybe because losing Zac changed everything and maybe because I don\u2019t want to say the words, \u201closing Zac.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I listen and cry. I want to float on my back down a slow-moving river with \u201cLandslide\u201d and then \u201cFix You\u201d playing in the atmosphere, so I can cry, and each tear will meld with the water around me as tears hold me afloat and each strum of the guitar caresses my heart.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here, still, I will not offer you resolution. I feel that we are often too quick to push for resolution. We think someone should show progress, should be improving, should be doing okay with enough time. Can we not instead simply let someone sit in sackcloth and ashes and just cry?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can we let them feel the depth of abandonment and loss that Jesus felt in that moment on the cross? Can you let me feel abandoned, distraught, broken, deserted?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus cried out on the cross: \u201cMy God, my God, why have You forsaken me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other versions say: \u201cwhy have you abandoned me?\u201d; \u201cwhy have you left me?\u201d; \u201cwhy have you deserted me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy God, My God, why have You deserted Me?\u201d Merriam Webster defines desert as: \u201cto quit one's post, allegiance, or service without leave or justification.\u201d Leaving without justification; I can tell you that my family has been left without justification for why \u201ceverything\u201d happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the Oxford dictionary, justification is \u201cthe action of showing something to be right or reasonable.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that moment on the cross, Jesus felt. He felt that God had abandoned Him. Reality or not, truly abandoned or not, He experienced the human emotion and feeling of being deserted by God, abandoned by Him without justification, left without anything to show that what\u2019s happened or is happening is right or reasonable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, in Jesus\u2019 case, He did know the why; He had the justification; He knew why He was on that cross, and He had agreed to go to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, even Jesus, knowing the WHY of what He was doing still experienced a human moment feeling completely abandoned by God. If Jesus can feel that, and He knows the why, then we can definitely feel that pain and abandonment not knowing the why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t have resolution for you. If anything, I have more songs that connect to pain. I could tell you about \u201cSunshine on My Shoulders\u201d that we played over and over as my grandma lay unresponsive on the hospital bed after a severe stroke, and days later we played at her memorial service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, \u201cCloser Than You Know,\u201d by Hillsong UNITED, a song that I\u2019d never heard until \u201ceverything\u201d happened and now struggle to listen to because it was one of Zac\u2019s top playlist songs. It is so very beautiful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, I could tell you about \u201cUnconditionally\u201d by Katy Perry and how my brother would sing out that song at the top of his lungs with such passion and genuineness because that is what he deeply desired for himself and for everyone around him \u2013 to be loved unconditionally. He could sing these lyrics or say these words to a stranger suffering in sin and MEAN it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I won\u2019t end this blog with a positive spin or promise that \u201ceverything\u201d will be okay; because \u201ceverything\u201d will not be okay. Rather, for now, I want to simply sit in the tears and if you need to cry, too, then may I reach from afar and hold you as we sob together.<\/p>\n","_et_gb_content_width":"1080","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2863","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-musings"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Power of a Song: \u201cEverything\u201d is Not Okay<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You know how a song can 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